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THE CODE
The Big Three: Identity → Message → Skills.
Most public-speaking advice starts with “stand up straight, project your voice, and tell a story.” That’s skills-first thinking. And for women who already feel they have to prove themselves twice as hard in male-dominated rooms, skills-first is a trap.
Mike Acker’s Speak with Confidence gives us a better order: Identity → Message → Skills. He calls them the Big Three. Think of it like a boat:
Identity is the hull (who is speaking)
Message is the cargo (what is being said)
Skills are the sails and rudder (how it gets delivered)
Miss any one and the whole thing sinks or drifts.
1, Identity: You Are the Message
Before you craft a single slide, get honest about who shows up when the lights hit you. Acker insists that confident speakers don’t invent a stage persona — they bring a clarified version of themselves.
Do a quick inventory this week:
What strengths do people already come to you for?
What experiences have you lived that most people in the room haven’t?
What values refuse to be compromised, even when it would be easier to stay quiet?
Your identity isn’t “the woman who knows React.” It’s “the engineer who has watched too many good ideas die in rooms where only the loudest voices got airtime — and I’m done letting that continue.” That specificity is magnetic.
When your identity is clear, you stop performing and start representing. Audiences can feel the difference.
2. Message: Clarity Beats Clever
A confident message has three non-negotiables:
A single clear point (not five)
A reason it matters to this audience
A personal investment from you
Acker’s “three-bucket” structure is pure gold here:
Bucket 1 (Intro): Hook + the problem your audience actually feels
Bucket 2 (Body): Three supporting points max
Bucket 3 (Close): What you want them to think, feel, or do next
If you can’t state your main point in one sentence that a busy engineering manager would actually care about, you’re not ready to speak yet. That’s not harsh — that’s protective. Unclear messages create the exact insecurity we’re trying to escape.
3. Skills: Tools, Not Magic
Only after Identity and Message are solid do the delivery tools matter. And the tools Acker emphasizes are refreshingly practical:
Strategic pauses (thinking pauses, interest pauses, question-response pauses) instead of filler words
Matching your face, gestures, and energy to the words coming out of your mouth
Treating the talk like a conversation with one person who needs what you have
Notice what’s missing from that list: “never get nervous” and “be the most charismatic person in the room.” Confidence is not the absence of nerves. It’s the decision that your message is more important than your discomfort.
The Intersection Is Everything
You can have a crystal-clear identity and still bomb if the message is muddy. You can have a brilliant message and still feel fraudulent if your identity is undefined. And the best delivery skills in the world can’t save a speaker who doesn’t know why she’s there.
True speaking confidence lives only where all three overlap. That’s the place women in tech are uniquely positioned to occupy — once we stop waiting to feel ready and start building the foundation.
THE RUN
🎬 Actions to Take This Week
Gif by cbbc on Giphy
Monday: Identity inventory. Write down three strengths people already rely on you for and one lived experience that gives you a perspective most speakers don’t have. Keep it private for now.
Tuesday: Craft a one-sentence mission for your speaking. Example: “I speak so that mid-level women engineers stop shrinking their ideas before anyone else can.”
Wednesday: Pick one real conference or internal tech talk opportunity. Research the actual audience (not the generic “tech professionals”). Write one sentence about what they need that you can uniquely give.
Thursday: Outline a 10-minute talk using the three-bucket method. No slides yet. Just the buckets.
Friday: Record yourself delivering the opening 90 seconds. Watch it once for content, once for energy and pauses. Delete the recording if you want — the point is the reps.
Bonus Move: Text one woman in your network this weekend: “I’m building my speaking muscle this month. Want to be my practice audience for 10 minutes next week?” Accountability + allyship in one ask.
THE WRAP
✋Before you go:
🌞 Keep Shining,
Barkha
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